Maybe?

On Friday, I got my latest blood test results and these results don’t make any sense.  I’ve googled and googled and I’ve tried to make sense out of all of this, but maybe it’s almost best to stop trying to make sense out of the nonsensical.  I know that nobody can probably help me with this until I see my newest new immunologist which isn’t until November 14^th.  At this point, I can’t help but wonder at what point does the quest for answers become more destructive and troublesome than having no answers? 

I left Florida in July under the presumption that I was going to see some specialists and get some answers.  I left my friends, a “family” and what I loved to try and “get my health issues under control.”  I’ve seen countless experts at some of the best hospitals in the country.  I’ve gotten more blood tests done than I can count and I’ve had lots of other medical tests done.  We haven’t really gotten any answers.  Each round of testing, each new specialist appointment has only led to more confusion, more frustration, and more unknowns and truthfully I’m getting kind of tired of all of this crap.

I feel like some of these doctors have no real sense of urgency when it comes to this.  Let’s wait and see if your blood work improves.  Let’s wait and see then send you to even more specialists.  They seem to think that my only job and all I’ll ever do is be a “professional sick person” and that couldn’t be any further from who I am and who I aspire to be.  I have goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations.

I feel like right now I’m at this impasse.  For goodness sake, I’m only 24 years old and I’m supposed to be “at the healthiest times” of my life.  If this is my healthiest, than I’m truly afraid for what the rest of my life will have in store.  This past year alone, I’ve had two different cancer scares (thyroid cancer and multiple myeloma), I’ve watched my diseases get worse, I’ve seen medications fail, and I’m dealing with long term side effects of the medications that I took to “remain functional.”  I honestly don’t remember the last day I woke up feeling well or had a pain-free day yet I try to not let that stop me.       

Maybe I’d be happier if I just embraced all these glitches and loaded up on meds so I can function and go back to doing what I loved?  

Maybe when I stop actively seeking answers, answers will find me?

Maybe in some cases no matter how many doctors I see, they won’t be able to “fix me”?  

Maybe somehow, someway everything will be okay and I don’t need to be “fixed’? 

Maybe this quest for answers is not the best or healthiest thing? 

Maybe all of this is just a lesson so this control freak can learn to let it go and appreciate what I have now versus wishing and hoping for answers and a “healthier” future?

I’ve definitely learned that there are no right or wrong answers.  There’s definitely no guidebook or instruction manual on how to best handle my interesting combo of illnesses.  I've come to terms with the fact that everything I do, I’ll end up questioning and wondering if this is/was the best course of action.

This past week, I've realized that I can’t keep putting my life on hold til I get answers  Maybe there are always going to be more questions than answers?.  Maybe I just need to embrace the struggle, fake it til I make it and believe in this crazy journey?  At the end of the day, I know that no matter what I need to keep pursuing my dreams.  This is my life not my specialists nor anybody else's and I just need to do what makes me happy.