Picking Up the Pieces

When you are little, you are taught that when you are sick you go to the dr and they can help make you better.  When you’re sick, you take medicine and that makes you feel better. You are never taught what if you see doctors and they don’t know how to fix you or they can’t make your boo-boos better?  What if instead, they give you the sad eyes and make you want to pop open a bottle of wine?  What if the medicine you take to try and fight your one illness causes a whole new set of issues and illnesses?

Those are the questions and issues I’m currently dealing with.  I’ve seen doctors at some of the “best” hospitals in the nations and I’ve gotten the I’m not sure what’s going on/I’ve never seen this before/I don’t know the best way to help you.  Some of the medications I took to try and keep the lupus under control seems to have induced an immunodeficiency (or at least that’s what they believe).  Now I’m seeing specialists and trying to figure out the best way to deal with this new issue while still dealing with the lupus and all the other issues.

Throughout all of this, when medical science is seemingly failing me, I learn that I can still cling to hope.  After all I’m an optimist and like to believe in happily ever afters.  I’d like to believe that maybe one time instead of an appointment leading to more questions than answers, we might have more answers than questions.  Hope is like this little glass mirror.  I cling to it, I won’t let it go, and I carry it with me everywhere I go yet I also know that it’s very fragile and it can be easily broken.

Every specialist appointment that mirror shatters and I’m left picking up the pieces and trying to put this mirror back together again.  I’m left finding reasons to still hope and still believe even though I’m feeling dejected, frustrated, and discouraged.  It’s definitely not easy and at times it might be some of the hardest things I’ve had to do.  It’d be so much easier to be cranky, miserable, hate the world, and give up instead I keep on trying to find reasons to be happy, keep laughing, and keep fighting.

As soon as I almost have this mirror back together again, it’s time for yet another specialist appointment and once again the mirror shatters.  I’ve come to almost dread specialist appointments as I know what it most likely means.  I get to pay a co-pay for somebody to confuse me even more and try to crush my dreams.  (I’d much rather be spending that money on new shoes or fitness gear)  Truthfully all of this is exhausting and can really take a toll on a person. 

Thankfully I have some amazing people in my life that will stand by me, break out the super glue, help me pick up the pieces and try to put things back together again.  They help me find things to get excited for and to keep fighting towards.  Also, I’ve discovered my passion for traveling.  Traveling has become a great escape from this world of doctors and illnesses and medical crap.  Planning and day-dreaming about my next adventures is a great distraction even on the worst of days.  There is so much of the world to see, so many adventures to be had, and it's all so exciting!  

This upcoming week is three doctor appointments and some more medical tests.  I’m not really looking forward to and kind of dreading this especially Friday as I have an early morning double feature.  Yet I remain hopeful that maybe this week, these new doctors will have some answers or at least be willing to fight for me to find some answers.