Living with Intentions

I’m the classic perfectionist, overachiever, and doer.  Up until July, I had a job I loved working with people I loved and I was living the dream. Then my health took a turn for the worse, I had to pack-up, leave what I’ve grown to love and come “home” to focus on my health. 

All of this made me miserable and I became sad and angry.  Sad that my life was reduced to me being a “professional sick person” and angry that while I would give almost anything to get my health under control and be back where my heart belongs, there was not a damn thing I could do about it.  My drs told me my only job was to “rest” and focus on me.  I’m the furthest thing from a rest-er.  I hated having no sense of purpose or intentionality with my days.  I was going crazy. I felt like I was floundering and wasting my days away.  None of this is “me” and I’m usually one to find happiness in every situation.

I recently got back from a beautiful 12 day birthday extravaganza and on this trip I found happiness, true happiness for the first time since I left Florida.  Each day was full of new adventures and frolics.  On this trip something hit me and I realized I need to make some changes in my life.  I could either be miserable or happy, the choice was all mine.  It’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to do my best to choose happiness. 

In a way I’ve realized that I’m almost “lucky.”  Not lucky that I have lupus, the disease is progressing and we’re at an impasse, but lucky that I have such supportive friends and family.  Lucky in that with this time right now I can find, pursue, and devote my time to whatever lights my soul on fire and makes me feel alive.  It’s like one of my favorite running tanks “Stay close to anything that makes you feel glad you’re alive.” 

I can take classes (I’ve already signed up for one since I’ve been back), I can write my autobiography, I can blog or vlog, I can find new hobbies (maybe I’ll realize that I’m super awesome at knitting (I doubt it, but anything’s possible)).  Nothing is impossible (well besides the facts that I have to be mindful of my restrictions and immunocompromised state) and I’m going to live with intentionality.  I’m going to find ways to more productively fill my days.    

Time is a gift and it’s not a guarantee.  Nothing in this world is guaranteed besides death that is.  I don’t want to squander my days away by just surviving, I want to live, truly live.  I’d rather die young after an awesome life full of the most splendid adventures than live to be super old and be absolutely miserable.  I want to make the most out of and really enjoy the time I am given.  So here’s to embracing life, living with intentions, and seeing where the world takes me.