The "Cost" of Staying Alive

This has been something that has been on my mind a lot recently as I learned I need cataract surgery. Cataract surgery in 25 year olds is not a thing that typically happens and it wasn’t what I was expecting at all when I saw my eye dr last week. Cataracts can be a side effect of one of my lupus medications (prednisone i.e. steroids). So here we are having to make decisions and have surgery that will probably result me needing glasses for the rest of my life.

I know glasses aren’t the end of the world, but it’s just another thing to add to the ever growing list. I have steroid induced cushing’s syndrome, I’ve gained an insane amount of weight, my skin is always breaking out, I bruise much more easily, and mood swings among other things. These are just the side effects from my one medication, but this is the same medication that has allowed me to finish half marathons, travel the world, work a dream job, volunteer with chronically sick children and kind of live a life for the past 4ish years.

Is it “worth it?” At one point does the side effects and negatives of a medication outweigh the benefits? I mean I’m still here and still fighting so I guess at least for these moments it’s still worth it. That isn’t even including the side effects of my other medications.

My dr has increased my dosage of my one med hoping to decrease dosage of my steroids and this med is causing hair thinning and may cause cancer. Every morning when I take my pills I knowingly accept these risks as I know the risk of not taking it is much worse.

My favorite is that some have the side effect of death. So here I am fighting illnesses that can kill me or taking pills to fight these illnesses that can kill me. It seems like lose if we do, lose if we don’t situation. And truthfully all of this sucks and isn’t decisions anyone should EVER have to make. Better, less toxic treatment options are needed. A cure would be lovely, but we’ll start with better treatment options.

No matter how much I hate this, hate these side effects, hate what these medications have done to my body, I’m still alive, still running, still trying to take on the world, and know that I still have a lot of fight left in me. I can use this fight to share my story, spread awareness and raise much needed funds for research.

This morning I was able to get in a much needed run and it was the perfect chance to clear my mind. Running is so cathartic and it gave me a much needed break from all the thinking and difficult decisions I’ve had to make recently. During my run, I was able to enjoy this beautiful day, the little things and revel in fact that despite all of this my body is still doing this.

Thankfully I have a 5k this weekend and Star Wars Dark Side Challenge 2 weeks after that. Lots of exciting non-medical things to look forward to plus more medals to add to my ever-growing collection!